Gosh Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you. Mr. Zuckerkorn, you've been warned about touching. You said spanking. Great, now I'm gonna smell to high heaven like a tuna melt! Stop licking my hand, you horse's ass! They want to break his legs. It's a good thing he's already got that little scooter.

Dad asked me to do this on the day he pleads not guilty, as a spectacular protest. A…. ? I think the only time you cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom died. You gave us cereal in an ashtray. GENE!! [screams] There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town. Well, that certainly leaves me out. It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door. Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster. We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook. Although George Michael had only got to second base, he'd gone in head first, like Pete Rose.

That was Tom Cruise, the actor. Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist. Probably out there without a flipper, swimming around in a circle, freaking out his whole family. Get rid of the Seaward. Lucille: I'll leave when I'm good and ready. I run a pretty tight ship around here. With a pool table.

Although George Michael had only got to second base, he'd gone in head first, like Pete Rose. Turn this skiff around! How about a turtle? I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces. Did you know that more frozen bananas are sold right here on this boardwalk than anywhere in the OC? Excuse me while I circumvent you. The old reach-around. Ohhh little guy. The tears aren't coming. The tears just aren't coming. Well excuse me, Judge Reinhold!

But I did finally get into Dad's pants. Although I had to have the crotch taken in a little bit. The only thing more terrifying than the escaped lunatic's hook was his twisted call… Heyyyyy campers! Oh please. They didn't sneak into this country to be your friends.

I think that's one of Mom's little fibs, you know, like I'll sacrifice anything for my children. Yeah, I invited her. You said you wanted to spend time some with her. You said I was being an Ann hog. Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse. Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. Go ahead, touch the Cornballer.

Can't a guy call his mother pretty without it seeming strange? Amen. And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute! I spent so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts. We need a name. Maybe "Operation Hot Mother." No, let's try to top that. (They never did.) Stop it, stop it. This objectification of women has to stop. It's just Mom and whores. He also said some things African American-y wasn't ready to hear.

I need a fake passport, preferably to France… I like the way they think. Well excuse me, Judge Reinhold!

When a man needs to prove to a woman that he's actually… When a man loves a woman… So did you see the new Poof? His name's Gary and we don't need anymore lawsuits. Yeah, that's a cultural problem is what it is. You know, your average American male is in a perpetual state of adolescence, you know, arrested development. (Hey. That's the name of the show!) You must teach me the ways of the secular flesh. ♪♪ It ain't easy being white… ♪♪ We'll have to find something to do so that people can look at you without wanting to kill themselves.

They're not gonna strip, right? I told them not to, but I can't guarantee their instincts won't kick in. Did you enjoy your lunch, mom? You drank it fast enough. You stay on top of her Buddy. Don't be afraid to ride her. Hard. Today I learned this is a real place, tho more lush than the OC. Although George Michael had only got to second base, he'd gone in head first, like Pete Rose. She calls it a Mayonegg.