If I look like a man who made love to his wife last night – it's because I almost did. You're blowing my mind, Frank. Way to plant, Ann! I'm a complete failure. I can't even fake the death of a stripper.

I think that's one of Mom's little fibs, you know, like I'll sacrifice anything for my children. I know, I just call her Annabelle cause she's shaped like a…she's the belle of the ball! In prison, you just have to close your eyes and take it, but here you have to close your eyes and give it. I may have committed some light treason. It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong? If you didn't have adult onset diabetes, I wouldn't mind giving you a little sugar.

Don't ask "Can I"… ask "I Can!" How about a turtle? I've always loved those leathery little snappy faces. For there's a man inside me, and only when he's finally out, can I walk free of pain. We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook. Do the right thing here. String this blind girl along so that dad doesn't have to pay his debt to society. Daddy horny, Michael. She's a contestant. It's sorta like an inner beauty pageant. Ah, there it is. She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot… your wife is dead! Gosh Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you. I know, I just call her Annabelle cause she's shaped like a…she's the belle of the ball! Oh by the way, Doctor said no kissing her on the face for one week. I was like make it two weeks, see if I care!

And guess what else is back. [slow wink] My breakfast? My friskiness. Mama horny Michael. I'll buy you a hundred George Michaels that you can teach to drive! I don't appreciate the dry British humor. It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong? There are dozens of us! Dozens! See for more good stuff.

I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run..so now I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands. I'M A MONSTER!! If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break. But it wasn't. She's not 'that Mexican', Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Smack of ham. What is she doing at a beauty pageant? Is she running the lights or something? You go buy a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. I think you'll be surprised at some of your phrasing. No, I was ashamed to be SEEN with you. I like being with you. That's so you can videotape it when they put you in a naked pyramid and point to your Charlie Browns.

Am I in two thirds of a hospital room? So, what do you say? We got a basket full of father-son fun here. What's Kama Sutra oil? Maybe it's not for us.

There are very few intelligent, attractive and straight men in this town. Well, that certainly leaves me out. Talk you off what, Pop Pop? I don't appreciate the dry British humor. Buster, you remember when we were kissing last night? Buster: It was a wild, wild ride. Butterscotch! Want a lick? My brother wasn't optimistic it could be done, but I didn't take "wasn't optimistic it could be done" for an answer. I'm gonna go get sexy. A million ****ing diamonds!

Oh, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth. If you didn't have adult onset diabetes, I wouldn't mind giving you a little sugar. Oh Gob, you could charm the black off a telegram boy. In fact, it was a box of Oscar's legally obtained medical marijuana. Primo bud. Real sticky weed. If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally. I don't care for Gob. This objectification of women has to stop. It's just Mom and whores.

Are you aware of this? Coming soon. Indeed. But I'm the oldest. The matriarch if you will. She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen. "Circumvent." It means "to go around." Gob: The old "reach around." I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar.