I'm tired of trying to find happiness through lies and self-medicating. If you need me, I'll be at the bar. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear. Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you. Did Ted make an appointment? No. Well, then Ted can GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS OFFICE! YOU GET THE HELL OUT!

I'm foolish and I'm funny and I'm needy. Am I needy? Are you sure I'm not needy? 'Cause I feel needy sometimes. Why are you squeezing me with your body? A million ****ing diamonds!

It looks like you've been looking for dragons… in the future. Did you know that more frozen bananas are sold right here on this boardwalk than anywhere on the OC? I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense. Also, your knee is on my heart. I call it Tricks –- wait for it – Around The Office. Yes, Annyong. Your name is Annyong! We all know you're Annyong!

Mom always taught us to curl up in a ball and remain motionless when confronted. I spent so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts. Even it means me taking a chubby… I will suck it up. It's so watery. And yet there's a smack of ham to it.

She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so that she can control everything. Yeah. Mom's awesome. She's not that Mexican, Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Columbian or something. So did you see the new Poof? His name's Gary, and we don't need anymore lawsuits. It was the first taste of alcohol Buster had since he was nursing. With spicy club sauce. How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap? Heart attack never stopped old Big Bear. I didn't even know we were calling him Big Bear. We never had the chance to.

Yeah, like I'm going to take a whiz through this $5,000 suit. COME ON. I will be a bigger and hairier mole than the one on your inner left thigh! I just don't want him to point out my cracker ass in front of Ann. I just haven't had sex in a month. You know, you've been here two months. It's hard to gauge time. There's a girl in my soup! Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.

But where did the lighter fluid come from? I shall hide behind the couch. (Guy's a pro.) Nellie is blowing them all AWAY. I hear the jury's still out on science. Suddenly he's too much of a big-shot to brush mother's hair. Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit? Come on! I figured out a way to make money while I'm working!

That coat costs more than your house! Speaking of settling, how's Ann? Everyone's laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster. Quicken! Premiere! Quicken! Premiere!

What about macaroni – let me finish – salad? I know what an erection feels like, Michael. It's a jetpack, Michael. What could go wrong? Hey, Dad. Look at you. You're a year older…and a year closer to death. Buster: Oh yeah, I guess that's kind of funny. This is not what it looks like. It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence. You're a good guy, mon frere. That means brother in French. I don't know how I know that. I took four years of Spanish.

[sniffs hand] Oh, God. I'm going to run this through again on "pots and pans." I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? Oh, yeah. The guy in the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for a guy who doesn't make that in three months. COME ON! Why are you squeezing me with your body?