I don't want no part of yo' tight-ass country club, ya freak bitch! Tobias is Queen Mary. Well, OK, have sex with this girl. Right now. Get in there, have some sex with her. If I wanted something your thumb touched, I'd eat the inside of your ear. I was hoping he would be gifted sexually.

Hey, look at that – you're mean sober, too. Fried cheese… with club sauce. Popcorn shrimp… with club sauce. Chicken fingers… with spicy club sauce. You burn down the storage unit? Oh, most definitely. I cheated and I lied and I whored around. Coo coo ca chaw. Coo coo ca chaw. Oh, hi, Mom. I have the afternoon free. Really? Did "nothing" cancel? Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit. Monday morning. COME ON!

You're losing blood, aren't you? Gob: Probably, my socks are wet. Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you. I don't appreciate the dry British humor. Mom… after all these years, God's not going to take a call from you.

This is the best free scrapbooking class I've ever taken! Oh, yes, there absolutely will be a margarita made in my mouth. I don't criticize you! And if you're worried about criticism, sometimes a diet is the best defense. I know, I just call her Annabelle cause she's shaped like a…she's the belle of the ball! Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over - an analyst and a therapist. The world's first analrapist. I don't appreciate the dry British humor.

If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all of my children equally. [earlier] I don't care for Gob. She's not 'that Mexican', Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. She's trying to prove that she's closer to my children than I am, but the joke's on her, because she doesn't know how little I care for GOB. You don't want a hungry dove down your pants. Don't ask "Can I"… ask "I Can!" Fun and failure both start out the same way.

Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we? For the same reason you should believe a hundred dollar bill is no more than a hundred pennies! I'll be in the hospital bar. You know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother. Well, this is why people hate hospitals. Oh…yeah…the guy in the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for a guy who doesn't make that in three months. Come on! Fried cheese… with club sauce. My brother wasn't optimistic it could be done, but I didn't take "wasn't optimistic it could be done" for an answer. So did you see the new Poof? His name's Gary and we don't need anymore lawsuits.

I spent so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts. Turn this skiff around! We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook.

I thought the two of us could talk man-on-man. And here you are coming out of your mother's third base! Michael, you are not quite the ladies man I had pictured. Hopefully, we will remedy that when we are in the spa spreading body chocolate on each other. Don't call my escorts whores. I may have committed some light treason. I'm sure Egg is a great person.

And THAT'S why you always leave a note. You can control your bladder when you're dead! What a fun, sexy time for you. Each year, Oscar attempts the four hundred mile walk from Newport Beach to Berkeley, California. In the twelve years that he's attempted this, he's never made it farther than UC Irvine.

Did you know that more frozen bananas are sold right here on this boardwalk than anywhere on the OC? It's a jetpack, Michael. What could possibly go wrong? I'm in Vegas this week and would like to point out the Blue Man Group is *actually* hiring. The support group? What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose? Those are balls.