She's always got to wedge herself in the middle of us so that she can control everything. Yeah. Mom's awesome. She's not 'that Mexican', Mom. She's my Mexican. And she's Colombian or something. Well, obviously, I'm not a big guy. I'm not a Carl Weathers, par example. Go ahead, touch the Cornballer. That coat costs more than your house! Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz. YOU'RE the Chiclet! Not me. Caw ca caw, caw ca caw, caw ca caw! A trick is something a whore does for money… or cocaine.

I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it. You'd do that to your own brother? I said "cot." Yeah, like I'm going to spill coffee all over this $3,000 suit? Come on! She keeps saying that God is going to show me a sign. The… something of my ways. He's going to be all right. You go buy a tape recorder and record yourself for a whole day. I think you'll be surprised at some of your phrasing. Second-of-ly, I know you're the big marriage expert. Oh I'm sorry, I forgot, your wife is dead. I call it Tricks –- wait for it – Around The Office. Turn this skiff around!

Say something that will terrify me. Lindsay: F*** me. Tobias: No, that didn't do it. Don't leave your Uncle T-bag hanging.

Michael, I'm your older brother. I'll never be proud of you. Everybody dance NOW. We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook. I'm sure Egg is a great person. I've used one adjective to describe myself. What is it? Turns out he ended up getting too friendly with the teddy bear. Go ahead, touch the Cornballer. I spent so much time making sweet love on my wife that it's hard to hear anything over the clatter of her breasts.

She's a girl, I need to teach her how to be a woman. Within her lies a queen. Let me out that queen. It's as Ann as the nose on plain's face. It seems like only yesterday you were bursting forth from your mother's fertile womb. Yes. Lindsay and I are planning a night of heterosexual intercourse.

I'm sure, wherever your father is, she loves you very much. I believe you will find the dessert to be both engrossing and high-grossing! So we don't get dessert? Shémale.

Hey, Dad. Look at you. You're a year older…and a year closer to death. Buster: Oh yeah, I guess that's kind of funny. Either I zip down, or he zips up, and that is a mighty long zipper on Mother's Cher jumpsuit.

I guess you can say I'm buy-curious. I'm gonna build me an airport, put my name on it. Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings? I am getting rid of this thing. It has caused me nothing but pride and self-respect. NO TOUCHING! We have unlimited juice? This party is going to be off the hook. Well, yeah you've gotta lock that down.

Chickens don't clap! How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap? Michael was having brunch with Sally Sitwell at a restaurant called Skip Church's Bistro. In addition to brunch, the restaurant was known for an item on the menu called the "Skip's Scramble", an omelet that contained everything on the menu. Do not order the Skip's Scramble. If this were a Lifetime Moment of Truth movie, this would be our act break. But it wasn't. That was Tom Cruise, the actor. Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.

You don't want a hungry dove down your pants. A sea of waiters and no one will take a drink order. Oh, yeah, the $4,000 suit is holding the elevator for a guy who doesn't make that in 3 months. Come on! I'll be in the hospital bar. You know there isn't a hospital bar, Mother. Well, this is why people hate hospitals.